It’s Oh So Quiet…

Ugh, hi guys!  Sorry for the long absence.  My week off turned into, well, obviously much longer than that because holy crap the third trimester has been kicking my ass!  I just couldn’t fit blogging into my busy schedule of work, fitful sleep, fatigue, depression, and occasionally puking/peeing myself.  (Oh, the wondrous miracle of life!)

Anyway, now that the year is winding down work wise, I should be able to at least blog my long overdue Station Eleven review and one more Cute of the Week before I start my six month maternity leave in earnest, in January.

Hope you’re all hanging in there, enjoying the holiday season, etc.  As a treat/apology for being gone so long, here’s Bjork:

 

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Mean Maureen Takes A Week Off!

Hi all!  I am woefully behind with my book club book and balls deep (not appropriate or biologically accurate, but whatever!) in a book I’m trying to finish for National Novel Writing Month, so I’m taking the week off.   There will be no Movie (or TV) Monday, no Cute of the Week (HORRIFIED GASP!) and no Weekly Internet Round Up this week.  Hopefully by next week I’ll be all caught up and back on the blogging horse!  Huzzah!

And in closing, I leave you with the first image that comes up when you google the term “blogging horse.”

blogginghorse

Mean Maureen’s Weekly Internet Round Up!

Happy Day Before Halloween, people!  Don’t forget to stock up on candy for trick or treaters, and oh yeah, please don’t copy any of these horrifying Peanuts Halloween costumes the Today show trotted out to remind us the true meaning of terror!  I mean…

nightmarefuel

I seriously have this photo saved as “nightmare fuel” on my desktop.

If you’re some sort of masochist who wants to see ALL of the horrific Peanuts themed costumes, here, you sick bastard.

Need a palate cleanser after that?  Of course you do.  Here, look at this beautiful wolf, checking out a research camera in his habitat.

Also, here’s a fun story about a guy meeting his doppleganger, who was sitting in his seat on a plane.

Getting back on the Halloween related links though, here’s Popular Science nerding out on Halloween candy and what exactly is in it.  (The deconstructed Snickers still looks delicious to me, btw.)

Also, Buzzfeed has an article about what it’s like to be a Halloween costume model.

And finally, here’s the latest from Josh Sundquist, an awesome guy who lost his left leg to cancer as a child and who is now a motivational speaker and basically King of Halloween Costumes.

Happy Halloween weekend, all!  Try not to eat all of your candy before the trick or treaters arrive!  (I am going to buy candy I don’t really like to prevent that from happening to me.  Sorry kids, who will be getting Jolly Ranchers, World’s Worst Candy.)

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Cute of the Week: Black Cats for Halloween

I kind of am in denial about how fast this year is going, especially now that I only have 13 weeks and change left before becoming a mom for the first time (PANIC MODE, PANIC MODE, PANIC MODE…okay, calm down.)  But anyway, I must accept the passage of time and, delightfully, in this case, the passage of time has led us to Halloween!  Which I love!  So, two weeks ago we celebrated pets who are better at Halloween than me (easy feat) and this week I would like to give a special shout out to black cats.  Long associated with Halloween (and bad luck) they’ve gotten a bad rap in the past.  Hell, even in present day people apparently don’t find black cats as desirable because they don’t look good in selfies?  (SIDE NOTE: WE SHOULD TALK ABOUT OUR SOCIETY AND HOW IT’S TERRIBLE.)

Ugh, anyway, let’s show black cats some love!  Now, I should mention, before we get into the Halloween themed pics, that have a personal stake in changing increasing the black cat love in the world because I have my very own black cat, Calamity Jane.  She loves, nay, INSISTS upon snuggles, is a notorious popcorn thief, and, as I tell her nearly every day, could totally be a plus size cat model:

clamster1  clamster3

I mean, look at that beautiful fur!  That sultry, green eyed gaze!  She’s a beaut.  But anyway, my continued adoration for my own black cat aside, let’s get to some Halloweeny black cats!  I think the thing I love the most about these photos is that they reflect the special sense of betrayal and anger that only cats express when forced into costume.  In fact, you’ll never see a photo of either of my cats in costume because they would murder me in my sleep if I tortured them in that way.  (I have tried and failed to dress both of my cats up.)  But here are some cats whose humans were able to make it happen long enough for a photo (aaaaand probably paid the ultimate price sometime later that day.)  Enjoy!

1

“I’m sizing up your weaknesses and preparing my attack as we speak.”

3

“How did this…happen?”

4

“Really? You think you’ll get away with this? MWAHAHAHAHAHA-” *pauses to cough up hairball* “Anyway, point is, I’ll kill you.”

5

“This humiliation will not stand. I have already summoned my cat army. You will not see the dawn.”

6

Okay, I’ve made joke “cat thought” captions for all of the other photos, but I genuinely think this cat is about to kill the person taking the photo.

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Movie (or TV) Monday: Shark Lake

Oh my god, you guys.  I stumbled upon the trailer for this movie while looking for something else and man am I happy that I did, because it is just so WONDERFULLY stupid.  It’s actually PERFECT in its stupidity.  Every dumb aspect of it is so beautifully executed, I don’t even have words for it.  It’s like stupid ballet.  Highlights: the anonymous phone call to the police to help them narrow down their search for the lake killer: “Your killer’s definitely not a bear.”  (HA!)  The grizzled sheriff pointing out the obvious: “Who’s ever heard of a shark in a lake?”  (AmIright???)  And my personal favorite – what feels like about a million shots of people firing guns into a lake.

In fact, before we go any further, just please watch it for yourself and get back here to discuss!

HAHAHAHA.  So, okay, I don’t know how on earth this movie was greenlit.  Maybe everyone was riding high on that sweet, sweet Sharknado wave, maybe someone wasn’t fully paying attention when using the Yes, Let’s Spend Millions Of Dollars on This stamp, or maybe, just maybe, it went a little something like this:

INT. STUDIO EXEC’S OFFICE

A nervous young screenwriter/director sweats profusely while standing in front of a bored looking executive.  He’s been waiting his whole life for this chance.  Stumbling slightly over his words, he begins his pitch.

WRITER/DIRECTOR

So, my story is about a single mom who starts putting

herself through night school, and-

The studio exec jolts himself out of a daze.

STUDIO EXEC

Sorry, I fell asleep there for a

second. Got any other ideas?

WRITER/DIRECTOR

Uh, of course!

Absolutely panicked, he looks around the room, desperate for inspiration.  He sees a picture of a vicious looking shark hanging on the wall.

WRITER/DIRECTOR

Yeah, I’ve got a great one called Shark…

He looks frantically to his computer, desperate to finish the sentence and sees the serene lake of his screen saver.

WRITER/DIRECTOR

Lake!  Shark Lake!  No wait, that doesn’t make any-

STUDIO EXEC

It’s perfect!  We’ll buy it!  See my girl on your way out and

she’ll get you your check for a million dollars.*

END SCENE

Anyway, regardless of how it got made, Shark Lake is here, baby, and only time (and people watching it on Netflix while drinking heavily) will determine if it’s a So Stupid Its Entertaining type of movie or a So Stupid, but Not in a Fun Way, type of movie.  Either way, I am excited about this addition to the list of films with Shark in the title! Now with the Sharknado franchise and Shark Lake, I think we could see an entire subgenre of silly shark gore movies developing here.  What could be next?  Sharks on a Plane?  (No, too complicated, too “done.”)  What about Sharks Gone Wild?  It would be about going on a murder spree during Spring Break!

…wait, is that actually a great/awesome/$$$$ idea????  Stop reading this!  Get me my agent!  (Okay, I do not have an agent.)  Anyway, go watch Shark Lake and tell me what you think!  (And also please forget about reading the concept for my unstoppable money making blockbuster, Sharks Gone Wild.)  Thanks!

*I may not exactly know how Hollywood works.

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Mean Maureen’s Weekly Internet Round Up!

Screen Shot 2015-10-23 at 10.47.06 AM

Hello, dear readers!  Today is a fun day in Mean Maureenland – it’s my birthday AND, as of today, I officially have 100 days left until Baby Mean arrives.  (Of course, babies rarely arrive on their exact due dates, but is important for me to mark these milestones because pregnancy lasts approximately INFINITY DAYS and I need to feel like I’m making progress.)  So, huzzah!  Huzzah to me for staying alive another year, and huzzah to baby Mean for growing like a champ and getting closer and closer to joining us in the Land Outside My Womb (which is also the title of an absolutely horrible children’s book I just came up with.)

ANYWAY, weekend!  In honor of my birthday and Halloween, I’m gonna do a fall themed round up today.  Perhaps you are celebrating Halloween a bit early with some parties?  Perhaps you are going out for a hike wherever you are, enjoying the brisk fall weather and crisp, fallen leaves?  Or, you know, if you live in LA like me, you are going to be expending most of your energy denying the fact that is going to be 90 god damned degrees in my neighborhood tomorrow.  BUT WHATEVER, I’M STILL GOING TO PRETEND IT’S FUN FALL TIME.

For example, I’m going to order some of these adorable literary themed tights to wear and ward off the chill in the air!

And maybe I’ll make a version of these cute spider chocolate chip cookies!

Or drink these delicious looking fall themed mocktails!

Maybe I’ll channel my inner Martha Stewart (okay, fine, more like my inner Pinterest fail) and carve or decorate a pumpkin!

And you know what?  Fuck you, unseasonably warm weather, I’M MAKING SOME GOD DAMNED PUMPKIN SOUP.

Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful fall weekend, whatever the weather, and that I can tone down my hostility toward mother nature enough to enjoy my own weekend!  See you Monday!

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Cute of the Week: Corgi Wins the Dance Contest Going On In My Heart

I suppose I should tell you – in my heart, there’s always a dance contest going on.  I never win or participate, since I cannot really dance, so it’s mostly adorable animals and cartoons.   (Side note: just realizing as I’m typing – does this make me sound COMPLETELY INSANE???)  Anyway, concerns about my sanity aside, I stumbled on this video of a corgi twerking to the song Bubble Butt and it is THE BEST, MOST HILARIOUS THING IN THE ENTIRE KNOWN UNIVERSE.

I hope I’m not overselling it.  But that would be IMPOSSIBLE, so I suppose I’m not terribly concerned.  Now, to be completely fair, I am notoriously bad about keeping up with pop culture, so I am not sure if the corgi is really “twerking” here, or just moving its butt in a hilarious and adorable way.  You cooler and younger folk can be the judge of the degree of twerk.  As for me, I’ll just be watching this again, several times in a row, until my stomach hurts from laughing.

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