Tag Archives: #movieortvmondays

Movie (or TV) Monday: Shark Lake

Oh my god, you guys.  I stumbled upon the trailer for this movie while looking for something else and man am I happy that I did, because it is just so WONDERFULLY stupid.  It’s actually PERFECT in its stupidity.  Every dumb aspect of it is so beautifully executed, I don’t even have words for it.  It’s like stupid ballet.  Highlights: the anonymous phone call to the police to help them narrow down their search for the lake killer: “Your killer’s definitely not a bear.”  (HA!)  The grizzled sheriff pointing out the obvious: “Who’s ever heard of a shark in a lake?”  (AmIright???)  And my personal favorite – what feels like about a million shots of people firing guns into a lake.

In fact, before we go any further, just please watch it for yourself and get back here to discuss!

HAHAHAHA.  So, okay, I don’t know how on earth this movie was greenlit.  Maybe everyone was riding high on that sweet, sweet Sharknado wave, maybe someone wasn’t fully paying attention when using the Yes, Let’s Spend Millions Of Dollars on This stamp, or maybe, just maybe, it went a little something like this:

INT. STUDIO EXEC’S OFFICE

A nervous young screenwriter/director sweats profusely while standing in front of a bored looking executive.  He’s been waiting his whole life for this chance.  Stumbling slightly over his words, he begins his pitch.

WRITER/DIRECTOR

So, my story is about a single mom who starts putting

herself through night school, and-

The studio exec jolts himself out of a daze.

STUDIO EXEC

Sorry, I fell asleep there for a

second. Got any other ideas?

WRITER/DIRECTOR

Uh, of course!

Absolutely panicked, he looks around the room, desperate for inspiration.  He sees a picture of a vicious looking shark hanging on the wall.

WRITER/DIRECTOR

Yeah, I’ve got a great one called Shark…

He looks frantically to his computer, desperate to finish the sentence and sees the serene lake of his screen saver.

WRITER/DIRECTOR

Lake!  Shark Lake!  No wait, that doesn’t make any-

STUDIO EXEC

It’s perfect!  We’ll buy it!  See my girl on your way out and

she’ll get you your check for a million dollars.*

END SCENE

Anyway, regardless of how it got made, Shark Lake is here, baby, and only time (and people watching it on Netflix while drinking heavily) will determine if it’s a So Stupid Its Entertaining type of movie or a So Stupid, but Not in a Fun Way, type of movie.  Either way, I am excited about this addition to the list of films with Shark in the title! Now with the Sharknado franchise and Shark Lake, I think we could see an entire subgenre of silly shark gore movies developing here.  What could be next?  Sharks on a Plane?  (No, too complicated, too “done.”)  What about Sharks Gone Wild?  It would be about going on a murder spree during Spring Break!

…wait, is that actually a great/awesome/$$$$ idea????  Stop reading this!  Get me my agent!  (Okay, I do not have an agent.)  Anyway, go watch Shark Lake and tell me what you think!  (And also please forget about reading the concept for my unstoppable money making blockbuster, Sharks Gone Wild.)  Thanks!

*I may not exactly know how Hollywood works.

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Movie (or TV) Mondays – The Revenant

Okay, so normally I spend Movie (or TV) Mondays mocking things or pitching terrible ideas for TV shows or movies, but sometimes?  Just sometimes?  I’m genuinely blown away by a trailer and just want to watch it and talk about it and stuff.

Today, it’s the Revenant.  If there were Oscars for trailers, I would give this one all of them – cinematography, sound design, best grizzled beard, etc.  I mean, check it out:

If you’re left with a little bit of a “wait, sorry what the fuck just happened?” feeling from the trailer, apparently the movie centers on the incredible, epic survival/vengeance story of Hugh Glass.  If you want to go into the movie knowing nothing, stop reading now and definitely don’t click on this link, which explains his remarkable journey from near Death By Bear to hunting down former comrades for revenge.  You know, the classic American Dream story.  The movie gets its title from a book of the same name, which is apparently well reviewed and sounds like the type of thing to read in the dead of winter, when you’re grateful for four walls, a roof, probably some hot cocoa and the fact you weren’t recently mauled by a bear and left for dead.

Anyhoo, most of the coverage I’ve seen about this trailer has to deal with a.) the fact the film was apparently shot entirely with natural light (rad) or b.) the idea that this film is yet another one of Leo DiCaprio’s desperate bids to win an Oscar.  You know what?  The latter is kind of ridiculous.  Look, I KNOW that Leonardo DiCaprio does not need me to defend him.  He is doing just fine, and if he feels blue he cries himself to sleep in a pile of Victoria’s Secret models, BUT STILL.  Hear me out.

Why does Leo get this Oscar hungry rap?  I assume every serious actor is trying for an Oscar with every movie they make.  It’s not like Leo has been doing like, disaster movies and Entourage 2: Bro Down, Ho Down* his entire career and then suddenly decided to get serious.  He’s been doing pretty respectable movies for um… the vast majority of his career.  I mean yes, he is wearing a very seriously grizzled Oscar Beard, but I don’t know if I get the whole Oscar thirst reputation.  If he really an obsessive desire for an Oscar he would quickie marry a girl from his harem and pop out a kid.  (That’s what Benedict Cumberbatch was doing, right?)  Anyway, leave Leo alone!  Honestly, I’m just happy to have one movie where he’s not working with Scorsese.  (I like Scorsese, I like Leo, I just could use a little space from that partnership, you know?  Let’s all take a break, okay?)

Anyway, my rambling thoughts aside, THIS LOOKS AWESOME.  EARNEST EXCITEMENT AND DELIGHT!

*An Entourage sequel set in a midst of square dancing competition where the guys compete to see who can bed the most women. OBVIOUSLY.

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Movie (or TV) Mondays: What Black Magic Spell has House Hunters Cast on us All????

house-hunters

I don’t understand the appeal of House Hunters, yet I am basically addicted to the show.  Does that make sense?  I mean, I could watch ten episodes of House Hunters in a row.  I have watched ten episodes of House Hunters in a row.  (Don’t you DARE judge me.)  BUT!  I don’t really understand the basis for my addiction, and I am far from alone in terms of being powerlessly under the spell of this HGTV juggernaut.

BUT WHY?

Like… it’s a pretty simple premise that is exactly the same from show to show.  You take one (moderately annoying, or quirky-annoying, or absolutely insane) couple, show them three different houses that all have most of the things they want but definitely some of the things they hate, and then they have to pick one by the end of the show.

And… that’s it!  That’s the whole premise.  WHY CAN’T I STOP WATCHING IT THEN???

I mean, I get part of the appeal is that most people have interest in buying a house one day, and it’s kind of like getting to check out houses without having to actually, you know, pay for a house.  Also, for someone like myself who lives in incredibly overpriced Los Angeles, it’s equal parts amazing and fury inducing to see what gigantic houses you can buy in other parts of the country for significantly less than what I pay each year in rent.  (For example, there was a Texas episode in which a bachelor bought a 4,000 square foot house for $240,000 I came thisclose to jumping through the screen and envy-murdering him.  Though, to be fair, 4,000 square feet is an INSANE amount of space for one person.  It’s just nuts.  And the heating and cooling bills alone!  I mean, what were you honestly thinking, that guy?)

Anyway, okay, so maybe I’ve hit on part of it, the addictive aspect – it’s thrusting you into a familiar situation of choosing a home to buy, but then you watch a couple make different and generally stupider decisions than you would make because, of course, you would do it SO much better.

YOU understand that paint color is not some permanent, unchangeable thing handed down by god and incapable of being altered by man.

YOU realize that whether or not there are knobs on cabinets is an absolutely absurd thing to care about when searching for a half a million dollar home.

YOU would certainly not say you love old homes from the early 1900’s then complain about EVERY SINGLE FEATURE THAT EXISTS IN EARLY 1900’S HOMES EXCEPT FOR ONE CUTE BUILT IN.

Basically, YOU would do this so much better.

Hmm, so I think I’m realizing the formula:

-One part knowing you’re better than these doofs on the show.

-One part voyeurism.  (House hunting without house hunting.)

-One part, house porn.  Eeeeeeverybody loves house porn.  It’s what makes Pinterest exist and worth an insane amount of money!  (Well, that and horrific craft ideas.)

-One heaping dash of people who are have one specific fixation that is totally insane or deeply annoying (i.e. an obsession with showers without tubs, space for chickens you don’t own yet, a full acre yard for a four pound dog, etc.) so you can have that fun high of yelling at the TV screen with your spouse or whoever else you’ve conned into watching a House Hunters marathon with you.

-Then firmly mix with the fact that at least one of the houses, if not more of them, will be completely awesome except for one terrible feature.  Like a four bedroom house!  With one bathroom!  Located… in the basement. (Accessible only through a crawl space.)

-THEN!  Occasionally throw the viewers a bone by once in a great while having a sane person choose the obviously best house and then tastefully decorating it.  (I still remember the sense of peace and calm I felt after watching a Palm Springs episode in which the buyer chose a wonderful home and gave it the most beautiful finishing touches, I mean… it was just… the degree to which it made me happy is disturbing, I’ll be frank.)

So, in the end, its simplicity is what makes it work.  It presents a deceptively simple situation but then introduces enough small road blocks (either in quirks/flaws of the houses, or quirks/flaws of the cast members) to make it hard, so it almost never works out the way it would if you were choosing the house.  It’s like playing black jack or some other casino type game I know nothing about – it looks so easy… but the house always wins.

HAHAHA GET IT?  THE HOUSE??? LIKE AS IN HOUSE HUNTERS????

Okay, sorry, it’s Monday.  My brain is only halfway on and I was pretty proud of that play on words for a second.

But anyway, that’s my attempt to penetrate the addictive mystery of House Hunters – perhaps you have a different reason you watch?  Is it pure Hate Watching?  (There is definitely room for that with the people they cast.)  Are you trying to dissuade yourself from a career in real estate?  (All of the real estate agents seem SO TIRED AND DEFEATED.)  Or perhaps you’re a foreigner trying to learn about American life.  (PLEASE DO NOT JUDGE US BASED ON HOUSE HUNTERS.)  I’d love to hear your reasons in the comments!

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